1.10.2007
It’s a Brand New Day: Big Pharma, Big Promises, (and those little White Lies in the fine print)
This has been bothering me for some time, and while we wait with breathless anticipation for Bush to announce his “new/old/same” plan for cleaning up his mess in Iraq, I thought I’d take a moment to ask a question: Do the warnings of possible side-effects provided during all those annoyingly wholesome and carefree prescription drug commercials make anyone else (besides me) cringe?
They promise the world, everything from lowering the bad cholesterol (while maintaining the good), managing those pesky genital herpes outbreaks, growing back your lost hair, stopping indigestion (while healing the damage), diminishing seasonal allergies, not letting asthma ruin your day, and even giving you and your partner up to 36 hours to get your groove on. It sounds too good to be true when they play that upbeat music and show those images of people having so much fun. See all the people who are getting back to doing the things they used to do before they got older and you could be one of them! Then of course they have to go and ruin the ride (thanks to the U.S. Government, no doubt) by mentioning a few “rare-but-potentially-serious” side-effects:
"Common side-effects are generally mild, and may include: headache, stomach pain, dizziness, sweats, vomiting, and diarrhea, and in rare cases: insomnia, halitosis, unusually colored discharge during sexual activity, shingles, hives, and may produce a slight tendency to drool (they don't show anyone suffering from these "common-but-rare" side-effects in the commercials, so I guess I'm probably safe, right?)"
"Women who are pregnant, or may become pregnant should not handle [prescription name here] as they have been associated with a rare birth defect (yeah, like this makes a person feel real good about taking that pill)."
"Seek immediate medical attention if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours (by which time, most men will have become completely addled by a nearly complete lack of oxygen to their brains)."You shouldn't drink in excess with [insert prescription name here] (as your brain may swell up like a watermelon, and reality may start to be a real downer)."
"Tell your doctor about any liver or kidney problems you may have (as this may increase your risk of these organs exploding and causing severe hemorrhaging, even death)."
"Tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure, or are taking nitrates for chest pains, as taking [prescription name here] could lead to a sudden drop in blood pressure (which could really ruin your whole day)."
"Do not drive, or operate heavy machinery, until you know how taking [prescription name here] will affect you (and of course most people are likely to pop a few pills, before they drive in a NASCAR race, play with a backhoe in their back yard, or take their space shuttle for a spin). "
Personally, I believe these commercials were far better before the Feds started mandating all the risks and side-effects be mentioned. Let people have that moment of hope and delusion that some biochemical concoction will cure whatever ails them, let their doctor be the one who gets to whack them over the head by telling them all the potential risks and side-effects (somehow I’m sure Big Pharma would agree).
It seems to me that the cures are as bad as the diseases. Rather than hassle with all those doctors and prescription pills, I say take 3 bong hits, suck down a half-dozen raw oysters, chase it with a shot of top-shelf bourbon, and top the whole thing off by eating a few cloves of garlic (if there's anything still wrong with you after that, you're pretty much beyond any hope).Oh, and don’t call me in the morning (‘cause I’ll be out doing all those things I used to do before I got all those things I needed all those fancy prescriptions for).
©J.S.Brown 2004-2007
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They promise the world, everything from lowering the bad cholesterol (while maintaining the good), managing those pesky genital herpes outbreaks, growing back your lost hair, stopping indigestion (while healing the damage), diminishing seasonal allergies, not letting asthma ruin your day, and even giving you and your partner up to 36 hours to get your groove on. It sounds too good to be true when they play that upbeat music and show those images of people having so much fun. See all the people who are getting back to doing the things they used to do before they got older and you could be one of them! Then of course they have to go and ruin the ride (thanks to the U.S. Government, no doubt) by mentioning a few “rare-but-potentially-serious” side-effects:
"Common side-effects are generally mild, and may include: headache, stomach pain, dizziness, sweats, vomiting, and diarrhea, and in rare cases: insomnia, halitosis, unusually colored discharge during sexual activity, shingles, hives, and may produce a slight tendency to drool (they don't show anyone suffering from these "common-but-rare" side-effects in the commercials, so I guess I'm probably safe, right?)"
"Women who are pregnant, or may become pregnant should not handle [prescription name here] as they have been associated with a rare birth defect (yeah, like this makes a person feel real good about taking that pill)."
"Seek immediate medical attention if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours (by which time, most men will have become completely addled by a nearly complete lack of oxygen to their brains)."You shouldn't drink in excess with [insert prescription name here] (as your brain may swell up like a watermelon, and reality may start to be a real downer)."
"Tell your doctor about any liver or kidney problems you may have (as this may increase your risk of these organs exploding and causing severe hemorrhaging, even death)."
"Tell your doctor if you have high blood pressure, or are taking nitrates for chest pains, as taking [prescription name here] could lead to a sudden drop in blood pressure (which could really ruin your whole day)."
"Do not drive, or operate heavy machinery, until you know how taking [prescription name here] will affect you (and of course most people are likely to pop a few pills, before they drive in a NASCAR race, play with a backhoe in their back yard, or take their space shuttle for a spin). "
Personally, I believe these commercials were far better before the Feds started mandating all the risks and side-effects be mentioned. Let people have that moment of hope and delusion that some biochemical concoction will cure whatever ails them, let their doctor be the one who gets to whack them over the head by telling them all the potential risks and side-effects (somehow I’m sure Big Pharma would agree).
It seems to me that the cures are as bad as the diseases. Rather than hassle with all those doctors and prescription pills, I say take 3 bong hits, suck down a half-dozen raw oysters, chase it with a shot of top-shelf bourbon, and top the whole thing off by eating a few cloves of garlic (if there's anything still wrong with you after that, you're pretty much beyond any hope).Oh, and don’t call me in the morning (‘cause I’ll be out doing all those things I used to do before I got all those things I needed all those fancy prescriptions for).
TANSTAAFL!
©J.S.Brown 2004-2007
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